.... Something isn't right...

I don't know.. something isn't right in my life as of right now...

Recently I have found a girl I really like.. but she has a boyfriend so that has me bummed... but then again I have started to notice that I losing touch with my old friends.. the ones that I helped out and love and the ones that have helped me out in return... after graduating from high school I have had a major depression... I had them during high school but now I have the feeling of extreme loneliness coming... its about the time for me to be having a relationship... but I am afraid that I am adequate enough to be in a relationship with any girl... I want somebody to love me that isn't my family... somebody that will care for me... but so far.. nothing has happened with my wish... my eternal wish to be with somebody that can truly make me happy and be happy with me...

I just don't know... my life has been quite a blur lately... its been quite a blur for all of my life but now... I think that it is worse... I am so confused about what to do with my life... I feel like I have wasted it and I am only eighteen... I have so many emotions going all the time but not the one I want to be going off... by now whoever is reading this you should have guessed which one I am talking about... I don't know.. this is all quite mysterious to me.. but I talked to a friend a day ago and I agree with him... I need to get into a relationship... other wise I will never be happy... I will never be complete... my life is whizzing by now.. I cannot keep up... I guess that is why some people kill themselves.. because they cannot seem to get a hold of there lives and everything in that happens to them turns into a whirlwind of sorrow and the forgotten... I don't know... I might be right...

I have slowly started to notice that my old friends are drifting away from me as I advance in life.. and I really hate that... I love all of my old high school friends... it saddening... I cannot find out whats up in their lifes anymore... It has come to a point where I just want to drop everything right now and talk to everyone I use to know... but that would be impossible... I am just soo confused... I cannot do what I want to do... even though I am not sure what I want to do...

I have run out of stuff to type as of right now... I am not in the mood to continue... I will finish later... in another post... goodbye...

I have lost myself....

~SA

P.S.: I have decided to keep the music playlist... but I think that I will let my words do the talking instead of the music. So it is going to go away for a little way until I think of away to actually make it useful...

I am out...


stay zen...